Will For Will

Stretched out upon the cold, hateful ground

Like the dead, unseeing eyes raised to the sky.

The heart half-alive screams, ever profound

As blood spilled in rage begins to dry.

The battle (if such it could really be called)

In swiftness, was vicious and reeking of spite.

As artful a hate that could ever be trawled,

It wielded the darkest of furious might.

And harking to the fear drenched those dug in below

The shrieking black fate did seek out their woe;

Brandishing its shadow, driving all to their knees

It shattered trembling hearts with a terrorizing blow.

Claws tempered in murder and rage

Traced sanity’s edges with deceiving grace

Ticking along scales til they clicked upon weakness

Then thrust and seared in all manner of vengeance.

A call to retreat! A panic to fly!

The most dastardly then did their actions decry.

Turned from honor, loyalty, nobility, and faith

And fled from their creed, fearing their death.

Now we do face a life only half lived,

Handing to ourselves our years deprived

In recourse to our lives fully and freely given

Laid down, our blood spilled, for the destiny we believe in.

I've Earned This

Dear world,

Hey. It's me again. I have been left to my own thoughts for much too long again, thereby producing the need to analyze and even rationalize such thoughts.

I never do the whole "reflecting at the end of the year" thing. Ever. I don't believe that you have to look back in order to move forward. So why in heaven's name have I gone and done it? And why would today provoke such an elaboration instead of the last week or day of this year? I think the fact that my little brother turned seventeen today did it. And thinking about how my youngest brother and oldest sister are turning 15 and 22 respectively next month. I'm married, have a degree, and am preparing to move, while the world waits in suspense for my older brother to propose to his girl from the far away land of Texas. Whew! This is why I never think about this kind of thing. It gets overwhelming if you buckle in for the whole ride. A whole year means a lot of new developments and changes, tears and happiness.

Tears. They seem to have been a constant companion to me this year. And yet one of the happiest occasions of my life occurred also this very year. On the heels of a few of the saddest. It sounds so ridiculously pitiful of me to talk about how depressing my year was. But I'm not sorry to see it go. If you asked me what my goal for 2011 was at the beginning of the year, I would have told you, "I just want to get it over with". Knowing the kinds of things I would have to face this year, that was my intention. And ten days away from the end of this year, I see I have accomplished my goal. I've made it through and I'm still alive.

Everyone has high expectations for a new year. But none higher than mine. And I know they'll all come true. You want new things in 2012? Everything will be new for me, come March of 2012 (and praying it gets here quickly!). New town, new life, new culture, new friends, new church. I'll actually be able to sleep next to my husband for more than two weeks at a time. I may see my family every few months. I'll get to travel to places I've always wanted to. I get to be part of a noble community. And most of all, I'll get out of the Tri-Cities.

Don't get me wrong, this is my home. It's staked its claim on that territory in my heart more than Kingsport, Tennessee ever did (although I still love there, too). The last nine years here have definitely made their mark on who I am as a person. I wouldn't have my amazing friends (who are more like family), found the best church ever, gotten the education I have, discovered my giftings the way I did, or met my amazing husband if I never lived here. Those are things I wouldn't trade for the world. But there also comes a time to leave your home. To stretch your wings. To experience things on your own, without the training wheels or the safety net. To know you still have the love of your family yet not feel them looking over your shoulder or breathing down your neck. To get out of the desert, for pete's sake! (On a side note, I never loved the desert and I never will. I'm an oceans, lakes, trees, and green grass kind of girl and always will be.)

There is none more ready that I to slam the door on 2011, and none more prepared to embrace the adventures that 2012 will have to offer me. 2011 taught me how to say goodbye and 2012 will show me what it means to live.

The Weepers Will Weep, But The Fighters Will Fight

I am one. I am none.
I am few, I am many, I am nothing at all.
I know everything and I know nothing.
I have never been warm--I am cold, so cold.
I may be young, but I am old, so old.

And I am tired. Of living, breathing, trying, failing, trusting, falling. I am so sick of this. Every time I attempt another step forward, I am pushed back five. I feel so weak and I hate myself for it. I'm the strong one, remember?

But no. I am no better than anybody else. I allow my emotions to whip me into a frenzy and push me to act upon things I always regret. I have proven to myself and everybody else the very thing that I was trying to disprove. I always think I'm ready and yet, I'm not. I call myself an adult, then behave like a child. And I can't face the world, I can't. Ready or not, here I come...

My thinking process is,"Maybe I'll fly if I jump off this cliff". But every time I jump, a variable change throws itself in my face and I'm sent running back to the monsters I was trying to get away from. The "perfect church girl". What do they know.

I love my God with all my heart, I do. He is the only reason this mess is still alive today and becoming less of a mess than I was. It doesn't mean I'm still not a mess in the middle of this process. Just because I'm less suicidal than I used to be doesn't mean I don't still think about it sometimes. Granted, the knives and razorblades are thrown away and where they belong, but that doesn't mean they can't come back. Change never happens overnight and God's been working on me for 5 years. But I'm not there yet. So please have patience. And a lot of mercy.

I'm learning a lot about mercy. Especially recently. Love and mercy go hand in hand. The opposite of mercy is judgment and that is not good friends with love. Mercy is undeserved and love is the force behind it. If you were to give someone everything they deserved, would you feel good about it? What about if you let go and forgave? For me personally, forgiveness can be hard sometimes. I want so badly for the person who hurt me to know how it feels...but then, what if I got everything I deserved? I am where I am because of a loving and merciful God; who am I to say that love and mercy shouldn't be given away to the very people I'm trying so hard not to forgive? Being bitter and unforgiving hurts me more than them anyway. They go on with their lives never knowing I'm being torn apart internally. Forgiveness is more of a release for myself, saying it's not my responsibility to bring judgment on them or give them what they deserve. For one thing, I'm not God, and for another thing, He'd offer them forgiveness anyway. So why not just free myself?

You know why I love kids? They don't care what you look like, where you work, what your income is, who you married, where you came from, what your talents are, or any of that. If you love them, they love you back. It's as simple as that. You don't have to worry about complex social constructs or drama with them. They love to laugh and they need someone to care. That's about it. If I could live my life surrounded by kids and never have to deal with another adult again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Being with kids is actually one thing I don't suck royally at in life. The rest...yeah, pretty much.

I can never stop trying though. This life? This is it. There's no redo's after it's over. If I give up, then I've forfeited my chance to have the life God intended for me. And when you know what He's like, why wouldn't you want His plan for you?

Dreams for Love

After hearing Dr. Prince Parker announce that he and his lovely wife are celebrating their 35th anniversary tomorrow (and that not once in those years have they raised their voices with each other) and then reading Mr. Smith by Eric and Leslie Ludy, I must say that I am even more inspired to continue pursue God's best in my marriage. I never want it to be mediocre or "good enough"; I want to be able to say when my race ends that I gave my God and my husband the absolute best. There are too many married couples in the world that are one in name but not in heart, or those who are simply "making it work" or "getting by", or even those who are about to throw it all away.

You may laugh and tell me I'm fired up only because I'm newly married and I'll get over it. And I'm here to tell you that I WON'T. I may not be experienced in matters of marriage, but my heart has been lit on fire by God's dreams for my life and I will do everything in my ability to see those come to pass.

I never want my marriage to be stagnant, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, routine, rehearsed, same old same old--I want us to be able to constantly be growing together, discovering and learning together, finding new and beautiful things about romance and love. I want to wake up more in love with my husband every single day. I want us to go deeper in God together. I want us to be able to tell our kids we've never raised our voices at each other and continue to live that out in front of them. I want to be an example, to show that marriage is not the end of the fun or the romance. I want people to want the kind of marriage I have. I want people to know that it's worth it to wait for the one God created just for you, and also that it's worth it to persevere through the hard times. And most of all, I want God's absolute best in my marriage and I don't care how much I have to humble myself or change to have that.

I'm definitely not one to be giving wisdom when it comes to marital matters, so please don't think I'm trying to do that. I've only just begun and I know I have a LOT of learning, growing, and experiencing to do. I just know the raw, desperate desires God has placed on my soul and wanted to share them. And there are so many more than even that, but I just had to get some of those out there. You may think I'm mushy or a hopeless romantic, but there's nothing wrong with being mushy about my love and romance is CERTAINLY not hopeless. I just intend to have more fun and life in my marriage than a lot of people do. I do NOT want to miss out on the stuff Eric and Leslie write about!

And lastly, to my love: this is you and me, baby. and I want us to be able to have such an amazing marriage and beautiful romance. I want so much more than just the status quo. I already believe that fairytales can be real life too, so that includes a happily ever after, which I only want with you. I promise to do my very best to always be looking for new things to bring to our story and to show you my love. I want to do more than just "make it" for the next 60 or how-ever-many-years we have left on this earth, I want us to have an enjoyable marriage, full of life and laughter, and being best friends with each other. I know we have people cheering us on and telling us we can do this thing, so I'm right next to you, holding your hand, and I'm ready to run the whole way with you. I love you, sweetheart.

Sister Wisdom

Who's to say you are the judge of anybody? Especially when that "body" seems to be following in your exact same footsteps. Is it hypocritical to even suggest to them that they may be acting unwisely, when those same decisions have led you to one of the happiest places in your life? Who says it won't end the same for them? But what are the chances? Probably not good.

This is one of those "adult" situations that I'd rather not have to deal with. I know some of my choices weren't the smartest ones I could have made at the time, but I took a risk and I'm extremely happy because of some of them. Now I'm having to return to those choices, analyze them more objectively, and reach the conclusion that I wasn't using any of the wisdom I had been given about that situation. Whether this means something good or bad is completely beyond me. Can something wrong that leads to something wonderful still be considered wrong? Moral dilemma of the human race, I suppose. If you narrow it down to the action itself (disregarding intentions or result), I would probably consider it wrong. But I look at things relative to the situation. I'm biased enough to believe that my actions were justified, but then this person's would be as well, since my actions could be considered morally wrong (in reference to Biblical standards, anyway, which I honestly do hold in high regard. at the time however, I only cared about what I wanted).

I'm nobody's God and I'm nobody's mother (at least not yet). But this person is close to me and I do care about how their life turns out. I just haven't decided if/how I should address this situation. If I choose to involve myself, I must do so very tactfully. I don't want this person to believe just because I made certain decisions and everything turned out well for me that frees them to make the same decisions. I just want them to understand how very careful they must be, for it would be so easy to make a mistake and wreak havoc on not only their heart but also their future. My decisions led me to make mistakes but I have since resolved them. Every little choice is so important.

I'm definitely not old enough to give amazing pieces of absolutely mature wisdom. But I have seen a few things and been a few places that I wouldn't ever want anyone else to be. And honestly, I don't care if this is never read. This is just helpful to sort my brain out and relieving to pretend that somebody is listening. But if you do read this, please please please, I beg you, never do anything impetuously, impulsively, or on a whim. It may sound fun, but you can ruin your life and everything about you. I wouldn't call myself over-cautious or no fun. Just smart about what I do. My life is working out fine, but please, before you make any decision that may be life-altering, consider the consequences. That's all I ask.

Perfection. Is. Perception.

In a perfect world, he would be standing at the end of the hallway, seeing her wail in hopeless agony as once again her heart shattered into a million pieces. In a perfect world, he would only wait until she looked up from her tears to see him before he rushed to her, pulling her into his arms. In a perfect world, he would rock her and whisper soothing words to comfort her as she sobbed her woes uncontrollably into his chest. In a perfect world, he would kiss her tears away and promise to never let her go.

But we don't live in a perfect world. Much as we like to imagine our perfect storybook moments, rarely to they ever actually occur. As much as I would like to be caught typing this, have the person read it and understand exactly what I'm talking about, and vow to reform, in most likelihood it will not happen. It would be nice...maybe. But maybe it's better that it doesn't.

Even though our world isn't as "perfect" as we wish it was, it isn't as bad as it could be either. There is always something worse than crying alone, never being held, or heartbreak. Even when you feel that you are dying inside, that moment will pass. Life is imperfect, as are the people we come into contact with on a daily basis. It will hurt, on almost a daily basis. We live in a fallen world and that is how it will be until God decides it's time for it to end. Rejection, pain, turmoil, heartbreak, wars, hunger, hate, tears, death, loneliness, sorrow, and hundreds of other woes we wish we didn't have to go through will still exist, whether we like it or not. It may be a long, long time until they are done away with or it may be tomorrow--that's up to God.

To end this sad, midnight saga, I must include some advice for myself and anyone who actually bothers to read this: don't feed yourself perfect fantasies and know that even when life seems the worst, you're probably getting the better end of it. You may save yourself a lot of disappointment if you keep to that wisdom. Therein concludes a midnight rambling. Go to bed.

Story

A story is not just words strung together as an entertaining narration. It isn’t that simple. If only it could be…

One might see it as a time-consuming, life-devouring, soul-sucking articulation—a dangerous undertaking in any right, as all storytelling is. Or it can be the unleashing of a soul through words, the deliverance of a heart to the reader; the writer making himself so vulnerable as to translate his thoughts—no, his being, his very self—into language for others to view on paper.

It may take days, years, or merely minutes to relate a single telling. Putting down certain details may drastically change the feel or perspective, although perspective is always relative to the receiver. The best storyteller can make you feel as if you are without life or breath if they do not continue with their account. Some dedicate their entire lives to learning the art and making it undoubtedly their own possession. Others, not much time at all. Most are worth their weight in gold; about few can you say storytelling was not meant for them. A story is not “good” or “bad”, only different, and different people will tell it different ways.

A story begins with a thought, a single idea, or a random dialogue.  But not all tales are written. At times, they were verbal, told only by those with the memories or the ability. They can last years or simply moments. Many stories are not ever written, only spoken or rehearsed in thought. If every story that existed (whether in written word, spoken word, or thought) had been told or recorded, what would the world be like today? Wouldn’t lives have changed for the better or worse? Where would we be today?

Not every story is for the good, neither are they all happy narratives. But do they create change? I believe every story will have an impact on the reader, whether it is negative or positive, small or big. That is determined by how it is told, who tells it, and how one receives it. Words are the most powerful tool any human being can use, and storytellers are well versed in their ability to use them. One could say that storytellers are some of the most powerful people on the earth.

Your life is a story. Some would tell you that you are the writer and can make your own path, but that is not entirely true. Your story, in fact, has already been written. It’s even finished. It was completed before you were even in existence. Yes, you have a free will and are under no manipulation or control whatsoever. But your book was written by the Greatest Writer, the One who knows what choices you will make with the free will He gave you. You are the reader, and you are discovering what has been written about you. Your story has been written, but it is your choice on which chapter to be on at any given time. You can’t skip ahead, but maybe you remain in a chapter longer than necessary. Learn to let your story live and breathe. Get the life that the Writer intends for you to have. The soul in the story, the spirit unleashed in the telling is His. Don’t let His storytelling be wasted.

Moreover

When the thing you want most in the world isn't there,
When you're handed the script of the fool and it's not fair,
You want to show them all you can handle this on your own
But you cry and curse life when you are alone.
Don't be a hero, don't waste your time trying
You're just human, don't pay attention to their whining.
You'll wear yourself out if you try to compete
And find yourself lacking, terribly incomplete.
They don't know jack and they don't know you
They could try to understand but they won't begin to
Only you can see all this through your eyes
And you will have chosen by the time they realize.
"Don't do this alone", but how can you not?
They gave you no choice when they left you to rot
When they turned a deaf ear to your hopeless cries
And their blindness became your doom in disguise.
You look at your hands, what help are these now?
They can't even save you when you're starting to drown
You can't even offer your life and your blood
For the one far in danger--the one that you love.
What good is your breath when you have no use for life,
Or the rush in your veins when you're dying inside?
Sick merry-go-round driving me to hell
Until there is nothing left but a withering shell.

A Fire And A World of Wrong

And people wonder why I don't talk or try not to get too close to people. It because I know that sooner or later, I'm going to open my big mouth and hurt somebody. I try so hard not to let it happen, but it seems to be veritably inevitable.

It's gotten to the point where I should probably take drastic measures, like sewing my lips shut. Sounds gruesome and painful, I know. But it would be worth it if I knew I could save the people around me some pain. Seems I can't say anything right. I can't speak my mind without someone creating drama over it. What about taking a vow of silence? I don't think I would have the discipline for that because there's always something to say. Should I move somewhere nobody knows me and lock myself in a basement with only the basic necessities for life? Is that what it will take to keep the terrible person that is me away from the ones I love?

I don't mean any of that seriously, but here is a question to think about: we have the freedom of speech but are we really free to say whatever we want? My answer to that is no. If you say whatever you want and have no control, you will leave destruction behind you wherever you go. You have the right to say anything you want but you have the responsibility not to. Not only is there a recourse to every single action you make, but also to every word you choose to say, whether that recourse be physical or verbal. People will always have something to say about what you say. If you want your life to have a little less drama, then there are two things you must do: 1) watch what you say and think about the effects of your words on others before you say them or 2) be able to brush off what people are going to say about/to you when you don't watch what you say.

I may be an adult but that doesn't mean I've stopped learning. And sometimes, if you haven't been paying attention, God will use more impacting means to get His point across. He'll begin by telling you, in different ways through different people. If that doesn't catch your attention, you'll start seeing the consequences of your lack of self-control. And those consequences will begin to hit closer and closer to home until you get it. You may lose a friendship or see somebody hurt if you allow your pride to blind you for too long.

James 3:6 "And the tongue is like a fire. It is a world of wrong, occupying its place in our bodies and spreading evil through our whole being. It sets on fire the entire course of our existence with the fire that comes to it from hell itself."

For your sake and everybody else's, don't take your freedom of speech too lightly.

The Road You Should Never Want To Walk

It's a dark place. It's a lonely place. It's a dangerous place. It's a place you'll never admit you actually wanted to be. It's the kind of state of mind you have to fight to be in to accomplish what you're wanting, but it's also the kind you'll look back at and realize that nothing is worth being in that place again. Or is it?

You may ask why on earth I would ever want to go there again and my answer for you is simple: it is the only way I have found that has actually made certain endeavors of mine be successful. And to do it again, I have to go back to that place in my mind. Will I like this? Hell no. But the end justifies the means. It's so much easier when you're not doing it for yourself, because you can make excuses to yourself and let yourself get away with it all the time. The difficulty and the motivation come when you're being held to the higher standard of someone else's approval. Someone who won't let you off so easy.

This is where the lies have to come in. No one would be that harsh on you, but you need to believe they would be. One must imagine that the person you care the most about would be sorely disappointed or angry or disgusted if you do not reach this goal you set out to accomplish. Only for a time. Self-destruction does not need to last forever. Simply for a season until you can get yourself back on track. Is this healthy? In almost every single way, no it is not. But it gets me what I most want, satisfies me about the one point that's made me the most unhappy.

You have to get absolutely fed up with the way things are in order to even BEGIN to want to change. Some of the time, this requires a little exaggeration on your part. Now, I'm not saying that lying will necessarily make you happy. But sometimes getting yourself worked up about something is the only way you will have the motivation to change it.

It's important to be happy with yourself and if being unhappy with yourself will take you to being happy with yourself, then one should allow it for a while. And after it is all said and done and you are successful, you will feel so much more confident in yourself, knowing that you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Home of the Brave Will Never Mean More Until It's Your Life

Freedom:

Some would tell you it takes a unique and intriguing science, with all of a country's best brains running this great machine of laws and defense that keeps us free. Others would say we are free by accident, "no thanks to those camouflaged yahoos running around blowing off everyone's heads". (To that opinion, I say go to hell.) And yet others live in oblivion, taking for granted their daily lives and routines.

This is not just another "blah, blah, blah be thankful for your freedoms" post (many of which will make an appearance today). You may have your opinions about our country, what we're doing right and doing wrong, who's really running everything, and whether we're making a difference other parts of the world. I don't take an interest in politicking of any sort, so I may not be able to give you the most polished or politically correct answers to your questions.

But what I can give you is information--cold, hard facts that you will not be able to deny. On July 4, 1776, a document was signed to give us the freedoms we have today. It has been manipulated and changed many times, many ways to define what people think freedom really is, but most of those basic freedoms still stand. Blood was shed from 1775-1783, 1861-1865, 1914-1918, 1939-1945, and 2001-present for the citizens of our country to still be able to claim and defend those freedoms. The military forces who have given their lives for their defense of freedom were human beings, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, granddaughters, grandsons, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors. And we need to remember that they were not nameless people--they had lives and people who loved them.

And all of those mothers, fathers, etc. are still fighting, still putting their lives on the line for their loved ones, for honor, pride, and freedom. However you see our freedoms, government, country, military, remember this--freedom has never been free. Someone had to pay the price for yours.

Here's Your Ditch, My Blind Self

What can I say, except that you have hurt me? Why does this surprise me, since I should have known? Will I ever be able to move past this and see everything the way it was before? Is my love for you really that unconditional? Can I push past my shattered fairy-tale dreams?

I don't want to wallow in my self-pity, I really don't. You know me, and you know that people who throw pity parties for themselves annoy and disgust me. So why do I feel like that is all I am capable of right now? I don't want to dwell on this, because it will destroy me if I do. I have a life to get on with, but I've been stopped in my tracks. Job said in his book that "the thing which I feared has come upon me." I'm with you there, buddy.

Not that I would compare my situation to Job's. I have not lost children or servants or possessions. But I have lost trust. I've lost a facet of a relationship that can never be regained. A feeling that I had that will never be mine again. And as cheesy as it sounds, my heart feels a little bit broken. Ok, a lot broken.

I feel used, worthless, tricked, cheap. I wonder if there is someone out there snickering at this poor girl who simply didn't see this coming. I definitely should have. I lied to myself, really, to get what I wanted. Well, I got what I wanted. And more than I bargained for. I asked for this. I really did. And I can't figure out who to be angry at. Everyone involved is in the wrong, including myself. I need for this rage to be directed appropriately so I can let it out and walk away satisfied with myself. But I don't think this will ever happen.

I can't just be hurt about this for the rest of my life. I find the thought utterly and revoltingly weak. And I am not a weak person by any means. But I am still a person, flesh and blood, and I am still confused. Would it be so wrong of me to be wounded for a little while?

You Are My Hero

You are somewhere you may have not ever thought you'd be. You have seen and are seeing more than I want to imagine or even ask about. You are putting your life on the line every time you walk out the door. You hold a killing machine in the same hands that have held mine, just to keep me safe. You've fought back tears and wrestled with sleepless nights as you've seen your brothers fall. You've trained and worked and pushed your limits so you can be prepared for anything. You risk your life by just being where you are. You run, you sweat, you bleed, you scream, you fight for the pride of your country. Honor is not just a word to you; it has value beyond compare. Your heart breaks when you leave your loved ones, but it swells with pride knowing you are keeping them from harm. Some hours are empty and the days seem as if they will never pass, but night after night, you dream of those you love. And you realize you would do anything to see their faces again, to hold them close, to even hear their voices.

You are the American soldier. You have the love and support of a nation behind you. I salute you and I thank you. You are giving so more than just your time or abilities. You give your life, your family, your dreams, your being for this country and the safety of its inhabitants. I cannot thank you enough for what you do.

And to my fiance, Zach: you are the epitome of a true soldier. Your honor, bravery, and commitment continually amaze me. You are my hero. Your love is strong, as is mine. I will always be here for you. And I will always be praying for you to stay strong and to come back safely to me. I love you.

Love is a Haven from the Monsters of Life

I love you. From the first second I saw you, I pretty much knew I was going to fall for you. I think I knew that when we talked before we ever met face to face. It was something I felt, a connection I had with your soul. I knew it was love because I'd never felt it before. At least not like this. This is the kind of love that is so overpowering and overwhelming that I just have to sit down sometimes to just think about it. It's the kind that makes me weak at the knees every time you look at me. My heart wants to beat itself right out of my chest every time I hear your voice. The thought of your arms around me just makes me melt into a lovesick lump. You've caught me staring at you because I just love to look at you. Whenever I think about you, I space out into a whole different world and don't come back to reality for a while because I'm going over all the things I love about you.

I love your eyes. They just swallow me up and take me in while electrifying the very air I breathe, lighting my soul on fire with just a glimpse. It's what I imagine eating a lightning bolt would taste like. Your smile. It's quirky and cute and always seems to be holding back a hilarious joke or impish secret. And when you're smiling at me, the twinkle that dances goes straight to my core. I just feel it in my bones. Your hands. They're big and strong and beautiful to just look at. I don't know if I ever thought anyone would have hands as nice as you. I feel so safe when they hold mine. Hell or highwater may come but I am safe with you. When they cup my face and stroke my cheek, I could die from happiness. But instead I just choose to kiss you.

Those are just a few of the physical things I love about you. Someday, I will list every single thing that I love about you. It may take years, but I will do it. Because I have an eternity left to be with you. Sometimes, I feel a bit dopey for thinking about you as much as I do; which leads me to hope that you're thinking about me like that too. I honestly don't think I could breathe without you. I can't breathe when I'm next to you either but I'd rather die of a lack of oxygen while in your arms than when I'm a forever away from you. I just get so overwhelmed and intoxicated by even being in the same room with you.

If I ever fall completely silent, don't be alarmed. I'm savoring the moment. I'm thinking about you. I'm pondering our forever. We have a beautiful story. So I'm sorry if I take a break from reality to just play and replay it in my head. Like our first kiss. I think about that so often. It really was a Kodak moment, one that Hollywood would die to have on film. Time stood totally and completely frozen, and every time I see it in my head it does the same.

We've made it through so much and I'm looking forward to making a forever with you. We've been to hell and back; soon it will be our time for heaven on earth--no interruptions, no fears, no insecurities. Just you and me. We'll take on the world, baby, because love is so much stronger than what they could ever throw at us and our love would top every chart. I'm record-breakingly in love with you. No girl has ever been as crazy for her man as I am for you. I just wanted you to know that.

Words Can't Complete Us

Why are words so useless sometimes? You could come up with the most eloquent phrasing and rhythms to whatever you're trying to say and it still ends up not being enough. The human soul is beyond the language that we ourselves have created. We weren't made for a language of this earth; we were made for the communication of heaven.

I find myself coming up short in conversations. The things I want to say so badly, I can't find the words for. My heart can be bursting with emotions, dreams, and ideas but for some reason, my brain can't figure out how to put it into words. I am by no means mentally impaired, let me assure you. But I've always seemed to deal better with the written word than the spoken word. If you see something I've written, then hear me try to communicate that exact same feeling/idea, you'll see that the differences are innumerable. I feel almost pressured when speaking with someone and that pressure makes me blank out in a way. I get desperate, searching for words, trying to find an idea that makes sense with this conversation. Talking face to face or even over the phone with people leaves me scrambling.

It's not only frustrating to me; it's also annoying to the person/people I'm speaking with. They think I'm quiet because I don't care, I'm angry with them, or am just a few french fries short of a happy meal. They want to communicate two-way with someone for whatever reason and now they have realized that selecting me for this activity was not a smart move. So they are left with silence (either to their face or over the phone line), and I'm left with my brain going a million miles an hour but my mouth malfunctioning. It's a helpless, frightening feeling. And after this happens in a conversation, both of us are left feeling empty and somewhat upset.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels like this. Maybe my communication skills are a bit lacking. My fiance tells me to work on it, to try, to practice. The problem is, most people can't tell when I am trying, including him. I feel guilty sometimes, like I have a problem that keeps me from being able to talk to people. I almost feel like I ruin relationships or at least hinder them from progressing with my inability.

Words are wonderful things. But sometimes they can't do a bit of justice to what you really want to say.

The Proper Method of Bludgeoning

My parents have got it right. Whatever they picked up in the "Learn-As-You-Go School of Parenting" has stuck with them. The reader should be aware though, that all practices obtained in said educational facility will only smother your children if used properly. If your children have become well-formed, bright, happy, and successful adults, then your original goal when you birthed the little demon monkeys has been fulfilled whilst you broke every rule.

Sarcasm, sarcasm. (On a side note: be impressed when you hear sarcasm from me. It only comes out in my writing. I'm not verbally quick-witted by nature, so you will almost never hear me say things like this out loud. They only happen in my head.) I can be very mean, I know, but there comes a point when enough is quite enough. Adulthood is only 26 days beyond my grasp now, yet I can't even have an adult conversation with my parents. I can't bring up ideas, notions, or suggestions that sound the least bit independent (because my parents have realized that once I do achieve that magical place of legal adulthood, they can legally kick me out for making a choice that they do not agree with). Yes, the idea is Biblical to a point. But they carry it much too far.

For example, I remind my mom I am going to get a tattoo sometime after this monumental birthday and she informs me that if I do, I will no longer be allowed to live under my parents roof. "So, you're going to kick me out if I get a tattoo?" I ask.  "That will be your choice," is the reply of Mother Dear. I repeat my question, wanting to hear her say that they will kick me out if I get a tattoo, hoping they will realize how harsh it sounds. But my mother refused to actually admit that it sounded as strange and possibly as cruel as it is. (The parentals previously stated that they hoped I would wait to get a tattoo until after I was married, assuming us children would understand that getting a tattoo will earn us an eviction. We children never really picked up on that hint.) So my understanding now is that my parents want me to live with them until I marry, but in order to do so, I must allow them to control me and treat me like a child.

I honestly don't care what their preferences are. I hate to sound this insensitive, but I want to be allowed to be myself. I'm not going to go all wild and crazy and do things just because I can (like unnamed people we have gone through this experience with). I've agreed with them and kissed their asses about their opinions since I was twelve and I'm tired of pretending I agree when I certainly do not. I'm sick of sounding just as judgmental as my parents are. There are some things that I will not ever tolerate, but there are other things that I am all for (like tattoos, if they are very meaningful to the person getting them). But my opinions, feelings, and notions have been smothered ever since I started to think a little bit differently (about five years ago) and moving out (like my sister did) sounds better every day.

I don't want to break my parents' hearts. I really don't. (That's one reason they don't know everything about me, especially things that have transpired in the past few years, and never will.) But I need to stretch my wings. I've needed to for a long time. Maybe that's the reason I still feel so scared of the world and of life and so freaking dependent on my parents. I don't want to be that way. I love them and will listen to their advice, but I need to be able to make some choices, and to make some mistakes. I learn by screwing up. You can tell me the consequences as much as you want but it really won't mean much to me until it happens to me. Sad but true.

With all my dreams, with everything I've ever wanted to do, I've got to get out and be free. I've got to try some things. You learn by getting up after you fall. Not that I want to fall, but there are some things that I've just got to know for myself. Things that I want to happen in my life too. And some things never ever happen unless you step out of yourself, out of what you're comfortable with, into a place that scares you like hell, and take a risk.

Reflections On Hope

I went to young adult conference in Vancouver, Washington with our youth group this weekend and had an amazing time. The theme of it was hope, reflections on which I jotted down on the trip home and will now share with you:

"Hope. We hear about it so much these days because of various tragedies and natural disasters, because the people affected are in need of hope (the question is, aren't we all?). But the concept of hope was in place before any natural disasters or tragedies ever occurred. That's because God is a God of hope and He has always been in existence--before time began, before our world was created. Real hope remains standing, no matter what comes its way. Hope is irreplaceable. It can't be manufactured or duplicated. The world can't give you anything like it.

Hope is the firm belief that God has something better for you, better than what you are experiencing now and what you have experienced in your past. Sometimes you have an idea of what that is and sometimes you don't. Hope in God is beautiful, because it cannot be broken. It's the breeding ground for faith. There is no such thing as negative hope. Wanting something bad to happen to/for someone else is hate and hate is the same as murder (says God, don't shoot the messenger).

We should have hope all the time, not only when bad things happen. Instead of only hoping for something better than disaster, we should hope for something better than average. Normality is not the goal when it comes to true hope; God's best for our lives is the goal. Hope doesn't settle for second best--it looks above and beyond to the craziest, best possible thing that could happen to you.

Hopes and dreams are in the same family, but they are not the same. Hope is in what God says in His Word that you can have (a blessed and prosperous family, marriage, finances, ministry, etc). Dreams are the specific hopes that God gives to you (like the kind of person you will marry, the kind of ministry you desire, etc). (And I say "etc" because you should never limit God; the amazing things He wants for you and has planned for you are endless.) Both dreams and hopes are God-given just the same and both go beyond what you see in the now.

Hope is something you should never trade away. You shouldn't want to try to replace it. But you should give hope away, because the God of hope always has more to fill you with. When you have hope, you will never feel unsatisfied or empty. Walking through life without hope will make you miserable and depressed. You need to have something to look forward to."

And that's it. Sorry it's a bit random, my thoughts aren't terribly organized (as you have already realized). I understand if you don't agree with what I have said, but these are my beliefs and nothing will change them.

Babies with Babies, and THOSE Babies Having Babies...

Not that this is anything terribly new but recently I've become aware of friends and friends' girlfriends having babies. And I haven't been finding out until like their eighth month of pregnancy. Now all of a sudden, I am overwhelmed by the thought of these teens, these kids  (who aren't even close to being mature) procreating and starting another generation. I see their facebook pages, their drama, their hell-on-earth-life and I shudder to think that this person is going to be raising a child. It boggles my mind, and not in a good way.

I'm not a hater. Trust me. I'm just worried for these people who haven't even finished growing but suddenly have the responsibility of training and teaching the next generation. We all make our choices and our mistakes; you can try to prevent those mistakes, but after those decisions have been made all you can do is love that person. I have never nor will I EVER advocate the evil of abortion, but there is such thing as abstinence. I won't even say "prevention" because that just makes people think "I can do it as often as I want with whomever I want, because we're safe". There is no real safety except not having sex before marriage at all.

Let me get off my soapbox for a moment. I'm not going to go terribly deep into my personal life because it's my business. But I'm not going to let you think for a moment, dear reader, that I'm some perfect, judgmental, Christian who hates on everyone who's messed up. Because I've messed up, just like you. I'm no angel and I never claimed to be. I've seen the consequences of my actions and the aforementioned new parents are and will continue to see theirs.

I just wonder what kind of a world we'll be looking at in twenty years. It's enough of a mess now, but with middleschoolers bringing up the next generation...just imagine how it will be. My heart breaks for these kids who may never know real love, because they were birthed by a mother looking for love in the wrong place. It's a fatherless generation giving birth to orphans, because everyone's looking for love. This generation hasn't learned from the ones before, who also searched for that love in every place but the one they'd find it. It's an insane world, because we're doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. God help us.

Pre-Deployment Frights

I'm really scared. More than I have ever been in my life, with good reason. My fiance is deploying to Afghanistan next month, and he'll be over there for a whole year. He tells me not to worry, he'll be just fine. I want to buy that so badly, but there's a part of me that refuses to allow it.

I've seen this coming for a whole year and for that whole year I've been pushing it aside, ignoring it, and burying it under my crazy life. Well now it's smacking me in the face relentlessly. It won't go away. I said goodbye to him two days ago for the last time before he deploys. I knew this would be the hardest goodbye because this evil part of my brain kept whispering to me, "it could be the last time you see him alive." Every time that comes to me, I want to punch through a wall and scream out my denial that no, not mine. I'm already a complete internal disaster and he hasn't even left the base where he's stationed yet. I morbidly can't stop thinking that every soldier who didn't make it also assured their family they'd be perfectly fine. I know he says this to me because he doesn't want me to worry or freak out or fall apart. But I already am.

I saw a post from a friend of his on base yesterday and it said, "My family and friends don't know what I do and I pray they never will." This friend is the same MOS as my fiance, which scares me even more. I know there's stuff he doesn't tell me about his job and his deployment because he doesn't want to scare me but I need to know. The things my own mind comes up with are a million times worse.

I want to be angry at somebody, I want to blame somebody for the hell and separation and pain we've been through the past year. I can't be angry at him for joining: it's what he really wanted to do and I will fully support him on that. He also hadn't met me when he joined up. I can't be angry at the military: they're doing their job and doing it well. They'd still be deploying soldiers whether he was in or not. It just so happened that he joined while they were still doing major deployments. I can't really blame the people we're fighting: if it wasn't them, it would probably be someone else. And there are innocent people over there who are just trying to get on with their lives with a war going on around them. I just want to be able to take my anger and resentment out on somebody.

Since he's gone for a whole year, I need to get rid of my fear one way or another; otherwise I'll just be a loony wreck when he gets back and he's going to need me. I want him to come back more than anything (preferably in one piece). And I cringe to think anything opposite. We want to get married when he comes back mid-tour so I guess that's more motivation for him. He says the time will go quickly, but I don't agree. For him, I'm sure. But me, I'll be sitting in my hometown, doing everything like normal while time crawls by. No wonder military wives are so strong if this is the kind of stuff they have to get through. I definitely need God to help me now because I know I'm not very strong naturally. So I'll learn how to be stronger and I'm going to pray for him every day. For both of us

Way To Ring In The New Year

Happy Twenty-Eleven, everybody. We're heeere because we're heeeere because we're heeeerrre...yada yada yada. Just so you know, if you've ever considered starting out the new year by saying goodbye just for funsies--DON'T. DO. IT. Trust me, I had to do that today. And it. was. awful. It's not like I wasn't expecting it. I've known it would happen today since October, and it's been sneaking up on me over the past two weeks. It's a horrible feeling to have your boyfriend come back after not seeing him for three months, but every second you spend with him remember that he's going to leave again. It's probably the feeling people get when they know when they're going to die. Pardon the cheesy Matrix reference but, "it is inevitable." If I could have found any way to not have to say goodbye, I would have. Not like avoiding it, but keeping my love from leaving.

I don't know what the big deal is, and he doesn't get it either. I'm going to see him in forty something days anyway, IN HAWAII for heaven's sakes! I guess it's just because I was doing anything and everything to make the time pass and GET TO DECEMBER 16TH in one piece (the day he came back). Which I did, and the past two weeeks have been utter bliss. He was here for Christmas and we did roadtrips and made so many memories...I feel like I've been dreaming. Well naptime's over honey, time to get back to real life. And I have to go back to facing tough things and making hard decisions and trying to act like a rational human being. When he was here, it didn't matter because I just wanted to be right next to him and I would do whatever it took. Now I have to go back to being logical and a regular responsible person. That sucks when you think about it. Get a few weeks off from life and then you get tossed back into the grind. Pick me, pick me! NOT!!!

I was warned, I suppose. Won't go into detail, but screw all that. It's worth the drama and the heartache I've had to/will have to go through. Some people are just worth it. It hurts like hell, but if you have a wonderful guy like I do, you'll make it through for him. Last time he left was hard too, but if I find things to distract myself with (like this for instance) for the first few days, I'll numb myself and it will get better...forty something more days!!