Here's Your Ditch, My Blind Self

What can I say, except that you have hurt me? Why does this surprise me, since I should have known? Will I ever be able to move past this and see everything the way it was before? Is my love for you really that unconditional? Can I push past my shattered fairy-tale dreams?

I don't want to wallow in my self-pity, I really don't. You know me, and you know that people who throw pity parties for themselves annoy and disgust me. So why do I feel like that is all I am capable of right now? I don't want to dwell on this, because it will destroy me if I do. I have a life to get on with, but I've been stopped in my tracks. Job said in his book that "the thing which I feared has come upon me." I'm with you there, buddy.

Not that I would compare my situation to Job's. I have not lost children or servants or possessions. But I have lost trust. I've lost a facet of a relationship that can never be regained. A feeling that I had that will never be mine again. And as cheesy as it sounds, my heart feels a little bit broken. Ok, a lot broken.

I feel used, worthless, tricked, cheap. I wonder if there is someone out there snickering at this poor girl who simply didn't see this coming. I definitely should have. I lied to myself, really, to get what I wanted. Well, I got what I wanted. And more than I bargained for. I asked for this. I really did. And I can't figure out who to be angry at. Everyone involved is in the wrong, including myself. I need for this rage to be directed appropriately so I can let it out and walk away satisfied with myself. But I don't think this will ever happen.

I can't just be hurt about this for the rest of my life. I find the thought utterly and revoltingly weak. And I am not a weak person by any means. But I am still a person, flesh and blood, and I am still confused. Would it be so wrong of me to be wounded for a little while?