Restless Sleepers

I'm taking a break from posting deep brain things from inside my head and being more laid back today. Last night while in bed, I noticed (for the umpteenth time in the last few months) that even at one in the morning, my bedroom is kind of noisy. The bedclothes are constantly rustling (from my husband turning from his side to his back and vice versa every hour or so) and I hear continuous shifting in the dog's bed on the floor, all accompanied by a snoring dog and deeply-breathing husband. I however, lay still as the dead for fifteen minutes, re-position, freeze, become uncomfortable, and flip over to try to find a comfy spot.

Seems all three of us are restless sleepers. My husband, because of constant discomfort from his wound. Me, from waiting for my cheap sleep aids to kick in (I would probably be diagnosed with insomnia, but I don't like doctors, so I won't get checked out). And my dog...well, he's just a spaz who sleeps on his back with all four paws in the air.

Will any of this change? As far as my husband's situation, it may be a few years, if ever. (I did mention it was going to be a long road.) And next time I go in for a mandatory checkup per the army's instruction (which will be next year), I'll bring up my sleeplessness to whoever's playing my doctor that day (hopefully getting an effective prescription for sleep). But my dog...will never change ;)

For April

It's kind of a funny day for me. My older brother got engaged last night and my best friend (who was also my maid of honor) is getting married today.

I've gotten used to the idea of my brother getting hitched since he's been dating his fiance for three years and they've been talking about getting married for the last year. He was the first of my parents' five kids to begin a serious relationship (I was the second). He even expected to be engaged and married before I was, but he was not as prepared to support two people. But now it's his turn, and there will be a wedding in Texas (where she is from) next year. And I'm very happy for them. While change is always a weird experience (especially when I am directly involved), I want my family to be happy and I think everyone deserves to find lasting love. It just happens for some people sooner than others.

Which brings me to my best friend's story. Even she thought she would be married before me. It was certain three years ago. She was preparing to marry the boy she had dated during and then again after high school. They'd been together four years and she was absolutely sure she was ready to marry him. But a lot of us around her were not so sure. I call him a boy, because that's exactly what he was at that time. He was still so very immature, yet she is one of the most mature women I have ever known. She has always been driven and determined to accomplish her goals. At twenty-four years of age, she already has her Master's in social work. She just seemed decades ahead of her fiance and he couldn't bring himself to treat her like the treasure we all knew she was. It didn't feel right to any of us. Then a few months before the wedding, in the midst of planning, she broke it off. It hurt to see her so heartbroken, but I was happy that she had come to the realization that she deserved someone better, someone who truly loved her with all of his being.

And then she was one of the single girls. For the next few years, we were absolutely inseparable. She was still longing to be married, but knew it wasn't the right season and she should wait. In that season, she became the icon of the single woman to me and the epitome of purity. I just couldn't imagine her with anyone (it isn't as mean as it sounds, it's just where she was in my eyes at the time). As she was one of the older ones of our group, everyone was always anticipating for her to meet a guy (the guy) and start dating again. I think it came as a surprise when I met and began dating my husband (being one of the younger ones, I don't think anyone was expecting that to happen as soon as it did). But she was there for me. And I'm sure it was difficult, with me being younger and her wanting so much to be married and start a family. Yet she helped me above and beyond what I asked of her and watched me be happy while her own happiness was prolonged.

Two months later, she met an amazing guy on the dating website she had joined a while before. And he was truly amazing. He had all of the qualities she was searching for: a genuine and mature Christian, kind, considerate, smart,  had a stable job, lots of common interests, plus a lot more that she knows about him that I don't! The chemistry was strong and her excitement uncontainable. And this continued over the next few months. I was worried something would happen and she would be disappointed, as had occurred before in similar situations. But it never did. They arranged to meet face to face in Seattle in February (since he was from California) and I went with her and her mother (to be protective and make sure he was all he said he was). It was a fun few days and by the time we left for the Tri-Cities, she was sure he was the one (and he was just as sure).

I moved away, knowing that they were already discussing engagement and marriage. But being away, I didn't hear much more than that. She texted me a few months ago saying they discovered his mom had aggressive cancer and was headed to San Francisco to be with him and his mom. When they were told his mom had six months to live, they decided to move forward with the wedding so that she could be there for it and so my friend could help take care of her. It would be a simple, small wedding and they would have a bigger one next year. My friend even asked me to fly to California and be her matron of honor; although I wanted to with all of my heart, my husband couldn't get the time off and we didn't have the finances (because of our recent trip home). So she asked another of our friends to stand with her. The wedding began an hour ago and I couldn't be happier. It was all very sudden but I am so glad she is with the man of her dreams. I wish I could have been there for her, but I definitely will be next year (and for my brother on his day as well).

As an end note, here's some interesting trivia. My best friend, my brother, and I all met our significant others on the internet. My husband is also missing his best friend's wedding this summer. And it seems everyone else's relationships started snowballing after I got engaged to my husband ;)

In Desperate Dependence

If you've never listened to the song "Age of Reptiles" by Showbread, I strongly suggest you do. It's ten minutes long, but worth every second. Whenever I struggle with depression and chaos, with purpose nowhere to be seen, I play this song and find my focus again. I wish I could write with that kind of insight, that kind of poetry, detailing in a few minutes the suffering and fallen condition of the human race while crying out to the only hope we have.


I'm not being paid to plug this band, but I really think they have a handle on things. And when they don't, they admit it. They put things in such a real, honest, in-your-face light. It's refreshing and convicting at the same time. They don't sugarcoat the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I want to be that kind of person, that kind of writer. I don't want to bullshit people. I want to have the kind of confidence that I can have no hesitation and talk to people with straight truth that may, someday, be the turning point for their lives.


Even if you have no interest in listening to the actual song, please read some of these lines from it. This is one of few songs that can make me cry and bring me spiritually to my knees, reminding me of my dependence on my Savior and banishing all pride.


"...I’ve worn to thin to honor You, my every effort fails. So bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks; leave not a trace of what I was, I’m never coming back. And if Your mercy falls upon he whose blood is cold , unearth me with your hands of love and never break your hold...


...Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes. Open up Your arms to carry all of our mistakes. Suck the venom from every bite and vomit every drop; some of us may bite Your hand but some of us will not...


...Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too. Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for You...

...It's true that I'm in love with You and even in my shame, You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain. You wrap Your loving arms around this wretched thing called me; Your love is all I'll ever need, Your love has set me free....
...The truth is only You...
...Hold me to You as I pray, take every other thing away. My heart is breaking out for You, the scales are out of my eyes..."