A New Leaf

Hey guys.

It's been a good run.

But it's time for change. This has been a good place for transition out of my teenage years and into my adult ones, but there are some things I need to leave in those teenage years and this is one of them. I'm not saying I'm a full-blown adult, by any means. But when I re-read this blog, I'm held in the past, and I feel like I need to move on.

There are things I'm proud of here, good pieces I've written, good points I've made. There are also things I'm not proud of, tantrums and pettiness that I'd like to just forget.

I'm not saying goodbye, heavens no. I'd never abandon you guys. We're just moving to my new leaf :)

I hope to fill my new blog with more stories, poems, and positive, happy vibes. A lot of dark things have happened here, smoldering and simmering. I'd like to show the world I have more to me than that.

If you want to see this other side of me, or just keep up on new things happening in my life, here is where I shall point you:

http://mussedmusing.blogspot.com/

I hope to see your smiling faces there, as I take my next tentative steps in my new story. I love you all!

Parting of Ways

I can tell you right now that this is a bit of a touchy subject. Not just for myself, but others as well. And I'm not wanting to get people all riled up-- I've learned my lesson with that (see my recent note on Facebook). I'd rather smooth feathers than ruffle them.

About a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled "Wisdom vs. Desire" about my longing to become a mother. I feel like being a mom and having kids is something my entire life has been leading up to; I'm just one of those people.

So that was a year ago, right? Well, some feelings just don't go away. As much as I've tried to forget about it, wish it away, sweep it under the rug, the thought still niggles at my brain. I wake up in the morning, it's there. I go about my daily routine, it's there. And when I lay down again at night, it's especially there. I can't seem to shake it.

I've come to a sort of understanding that I will be dealing with this until the joyous day occurs that I do reach motherhood.

I won't bore you with a complete rehashing of the aforementioned blog, but all this does have to do with how I operate on my social networks.

Now, I'm not the kind of person to rashly unfriend people. If I'm going to do so, I first quietly ponder the reason(s) I would unfriend them and see if those outweigh the reason(s) for allowing us to stay connected. If allowing that connection to continue would personally cause me harm or hinder my growth in any way, then that is just a tie I have to sever. And sometimes it happens more in an "it's not you, it's me" type of scenario.

Lately, I've found that random pregnancy announcements from my Facebook friends can be very painful for me. Now here's where I don't want people to get huffy: I really don't have a problem with hearing it from friends that I know have been trying or planning or really wanting a baby. Rather, I am overjoyed for them because they are seeing their heart's desire come to pass.

What throws me through a loop is the ones that just come out of the blue. I'm not saying surprise pregnancies are a bad thing at all. Every baby is a gift from God, planned or unplanned, wanted or unwanted. I believe that very firmly. And it really isn't any of my business whether these friends were planning for/wanting babies or not. That's between them, their significant other, and God.

All of that said, here is my piece. In the beginning of this post, I mentioned that I felt I've been preparing my entire life to have children. And for assorted reasons, I am putting having kids on hold. I'm young. I have things to do, places to see.

But I also mentioned that waiting is extremely difficult for me. Some days, knowing that we aren't having kids yet and watching other families and parents with happy babies gets to the point of being debilitating for me. And finding out someone else that I either didn't know was planning to get pregnant and became pregnant or is having an unplanned pregnancy, while I am having to hold off on my own dream can be excruciating.

It sounds kind of silly and some people will probably think it is. I wish I could change the way I felt about all this. I've tried, believe me.

However, I harbor absolutely no animosity for anyone who has had a child without warning or who is currently undergoing an unplanned pregnancy. None at all. But this is one of those times I have to unfriend people, not because of anything they've done, but because of how I react to them. I admit, it's an area I'm not fully grown in. But I know that I will look at their pregnancy updates, ultrasounds, newborn pictures and upset myself again and again. And I can't destroy myself like that.

I may sound like an awful person. But we all have to make those choices for ourselves that sound ludicrous to others at times. I do wish those mothers and fathers all of the very best, but some of their journeys I cannot bring myself to be a part of right now. I don't always like it, but I know that it's better for me than wrecking myself over something that, most of the time, has nothing to do with me. And that's a decision I've had to make for my own well-being.

For A Lady of Exceptional Grace, Honor, and Beauty

Tomorrow (or today for everyone else who's a time zone or so ahead of me) being Mother's Day, coupled with the fact that I haven't posted in a few weeks, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate a post to my mom.

I haven't seen my mom face to face in almost a year. We haven't been able to visit home and my parents haven't had the opportunity to visit Hawaii (not to mention that they had to re-designate their visiting air miles for my brother's wedding this summer, something that I have absolutely zero issue with).

But the point remains that my mom and I were pretty close friends for about three years before my marriage, and having to be so far away from such an inspiring and supporting person can be wearying.

First and foremost, my mother displays an undisputed, completely dedicated love and loyalty to God. She is one of the steadiest, strongest women I know because of it. When she feels inadequate, she turns to Him. When she feels lost, she turns to Him. When she is exhausted, she turns to Him. She is so humble, so dependent on her Father and on His love for her. And she is a heartfelt, passionate prayer warrior. When that woman prays, there is no doubt of where her faith is. My mom has always been a shining example for her children to follow when it comes to having a personal relationship with God.

Her marriage to my father is also a part of her I look up to. This February marked twenty-six years of marriage for them, which is a pretty big deal these days. I have never seen or heard them argue, raise their voices with one another, utter a sharp word or take a cheap shot. I have however, on countless occasions, seen them make out, embarrassing as that is to admit. (Which is something even kids in two-parent homes can be privileged to witness--parents who have committed to their love for life and aren't afraid to be in love or to show it.) My mom has always supported, comforted, encouraged, strengthened my dad. She's been the very definition of his helpmate and the wife "who's worth is more than rubies". Every day that I've witnessed (which is about twenty years' worth).

My mom has been amazingly faithful to my siblings and I, all five of us, even to the point of taking on homeschooling us all (an incredible undertaking, when you realize that's been at least ten years of school for each of us). She has done everything in her power to raise us right, to teach us values, morals, faith, to be the best human beings we can be. She became a mother about twenty-three and a half years ago and has done a wonderful job since. My mom has put up with diapering, breast-feeding, potty-training, instructing, disciplining, and loving five kids. She has dealt with our messes, our tears, our scraped knees, our fits, our rebellious teenage attitudes, our relationships, our heartbreak. She's been to one wedding and is soon to attend another (and let's not forget the droves of future grandchildren I bet she's going to get!).

Mom, if you're not crying yet, here's where it's going to happen (trust me, I'm crying with you). I cannot think of a single person on this earth who has put more effort into my life and who I've turned out to be than you (and Dad, of course). You've fought for me and my well-being (physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, relational, etc) since day one. You've loved me when I was throwing tantrums and screaming at you, when I would get into trouble, when I was keeping to myself and you didn't know what was going on with me, when I met Zach, when I probably nearly gave you a heart attack when I announced he'd proposed...

I'm not proud of the way I've gone about some things the past few years, but you always tried to point me in the right direction and protect me. And I think it made all the difference in the world to me when you realized I was happy and made an effort to accept the direction my life was going in because you care.

I know it's been hard, because I'm your baby girl and we've become so close. But you've still supported me, encouraged me, given me tips and advice, let me vent to you. That's how great of a mom you are. It's got to be a difficult part of being a mom, having your baby birdies grow up and leave the nest, choosing their own path and making their lives happen.

But I want to tell you, none of the hard work you've put in for the last twenty-something years has been in vain, none of it. Even on the days when you feel it's been for nothing. Even when you feel despised and abused. This is one of your children that wants to tell you that you are an amazing mother. You are such an important part of who I am, who I've become. Whether it's Mother's Day or not, I appreciate you so much. The effort and love and care you put into everything is absolutely extraordinary. You are so beautiful, so inspiring, so wise, the type of mother that younger mothers ought to look up to and learn from.

Even though the better part of us kids are working our way into adulthood, you are still so treasured and valued. If not for you, we would not have a chance. We wouldn't have our fighting spirits, our inquisitive minds. You are forever a major player in the best parts of us.

I love you, Mom. Thank you for not giving up, for always cheering us on, for always doing everything in your power to help us stay on the right path. You are a woman to be admired and honored.