Parting of Ways

I can tell you right now that this is a bit of a touchy subject. Not just for myself, but others as well. And I'm not wanting to get people all riled up-- I've learned my lesson with that (see my recent note on Facebook). I'd rather smooth feathers than ruffle them.

About a year ago, I wrote a blog entitled "Wisdom vs. Desire" about my longing to become a mother. I feel like being a mom and having kids is something my entire life has been leading up to; I'm just one of those people.

So that was a year ago, right? Well, some feelings just don't go away. As much as I've tried to forget about it, wish it away, sweep it under the rug, the thought still niggles at my brain. I wake up in the morning, it's there. I go about my daily routine, it's there. And when I lay down again at night, it's especially there. I can't seem to shake it.

I've come to a sort of understanding that I will be dealing with this until the joyous day occurs that I do reach motherhood.

I won't bore you with a complete rehashing of the aforementioned blog, but all this does have to do with how I operate on my social networks.

Now, I'm not the kind of person to rashly unfriend people. If I'm going to do so, I first quietly ponder the reason(s) I would unfriend them and see if those outweigh the reason(s) for allowing us to stay connected. If allowing that connection to continue would personally cause me harm or hinder my growth in any way, then that is just a tie I have to sever. And sometimes it happens more in an "it's not you, it's me" type of scenario.

Lately, I've found that random pregnancy announcements from my Facebook friends can be very painful for me. Now here's where I don't want people to get huffy: I really don't have a problem with hearing it from friends that I know have been trying or planning or really wanting a baby. Rather, I am overjoyed for them because they are seeing their heart's desire come to pass.

What throws me through a loop is the ones that just come out of the blue. I'm not saying surprise pregnancies are a bad thing at all. Every baby is a gift from God, planned or unplanned, wanted or unwanted. I believe that very firmly. And it really isn't any of my business whether these friends were planning for/wanting babies or not. That's between them, their significant other, and God.

All of that said, here is my piece. In the beginning of this post, I mentioned that I felt I've been preparing my entire life to have children. And for assorted reasons, I am putting having kids on hold. I'm young. I have things to do, places to see.

But I also mentioned that waiting is extremely difficult for me. Some days, knowing that we aren't having kids yet and watching other families and parents with happy babies gets to the point of being debilitating for me. And finding out someone else that I either didn't know was planning to get pregnant and became pregnant or is having an unplanned pregnancy, while I am having to hold off on my own dream can be excruciating.

It sounds kind of silly and some people will probably think it is. I wish I could change the way I felt about all this. I've tried, believe me.

However, I harbor absolutely no animosity for anyone who has had a child without warning or who is currently undergoing an unplanned pregnancy. None at all. But this is one of those times I have to unfriend people, not because of anything they've done, but because of how I react to them. I admit, it's an area I'm not fully grown in. But I know that I will look at their pregnancy updates, ultrasounds, newborn pictures and upset myself again and again. And I can't destroy myself like that.

I may sound like an awful person. But we all have to make those choices for ourselves that sound ludicrous to others at times. I do wish those mothers and fathers all of the very best, but some of their journeys I cannot bring myself to be a part of right now. I don't always like it, but I know that it's better for me than wrecking myself over something that, most of the time, has nothing to do with me. And that's a decision I've had to make for my own well-being.