Burden After Burden

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to do this anymore. It feels like a sort of cruel game. Just when I think things couldn't get any worse and are actually getting better, the other shoe drops. And we're left without a clue of what we're supposed to do.

Now, I wholly believe that God is a loving God and would never harm me or abandon me. But sometimes, I really want to quit. I want to yell at the sky, "This isn't any fun, God! I don't know if this is a joke on us or what, but I don't want to play anymore!" Some people think they have it bad--honey, no you don't. I'm not one to judge people's situations and say what they're going through isn't as bad as what we are, but things are not looking good over here. It really and truly sucks. And this is coming from a girl who hasn't had a whole lot of bad happen in her life. I don't know, maybe everyone is owed a certain amount of bad circumstances, with some people getting theirs scattered about through life and some happening all at once.

I want to emote, like normal people do when they get bad news. I want to cry like any worried wife should, I want to pout or throw a tantrum like a five year old, I want to be stoic and wise. But I don't have all the answers, and right now, I don't have any. All I can do is hold my husband and let him hold me while we are being strong for each other. That's the only way we'll get through this, and any other bad news we may get. Pulling away isn't going to do any good for anyone.

Those of you who know me understand that I hate feeling helpless. And other than when my husband was shot, I can't think of a time when I've felt more so. I basically have to sit on my hands until we know what's going to happen. I see people post to social networks about how happy they are and how great their lives are; I wish so much that could be me. It hasn't been me for a while, because absolutely nothing has gone right circumstantially.

This is the part where I have to let go of control, seeing as I have none anyway. I can't fix this; it's not within my power. But it is within God's, and He knows what's really going on, after all. Some people believe that bad things happen because it's punishment from God, but that does not apply here, true or untrue. I have stayed within His will, stayed in relationship with Him, following His leading. And I know I can say the same for my husband. I do believe some things happen to cause us to have more faith, and that's exactly what it's doing for me.

(I'm staying purposely vague to the whole situation, because it is on a need-to-know basis. Those who should know, do. And some things, we aren't even sure of yet. I may write about it someday, I may not. It does involve a list of medical issues, and the fact that the list keeps getting added to. If you are the praying type, we could sure use a little extra on our behalf about now.)