Will For Will

Stretched out upon the cold, hateful ground

Like the dead, unseeing eyes raised to the sky.

The heart half-alive screams, ever profound

As blood spilled in rage begins to dry.

The battle (if such it could really be called)

In swiftness, was vicious and reeking of spite.

As artful a hate that could ever be trawled,

It wielded the darkest of furious might.

And harking to the fear drenched those dug in below

The shrieking black fate did seek out their woe;

Brandishing its shadow, driving all to their knees

It shattered trembling hearts with a terrorizing blow.

Claws tempered in murder and rage

Traced sanity’s edges with deceiving grace

Ticking along scales til they clicked upon weakness

Then thrust and seared in all manner of vengeance.

A call to retreat! A panic to fly!

The most dastardly then did their actions decry.

Turned from honor, loyalty, nobility, and faith

And fled from their creed, fearing their death.

Now we do face a life only half lived,

Handing to ourselves our years deprived

In recourse to our lives fully and freely given

Laid down, our blood spilled, for the destiny we believe in.

I've Earned This

Dear world,

Hey. It's me again. I have been left to my own thoughts for much too long again, thereby producing the need to analyze and even rationalize such thoughts.

I never do the whole "reflecting at the end of the year" thing. Ever. I don't believe that you have to look back in order to move forward. So why in heaven's name have I gone and done it? And why would today provoke such an elaboration instead of the last week or day of this year? I think the fact that my little brother turned seventeen today did it. And thinking about how my youngest brother and oldest sister are turning 15 and 22 respectively next month. I'm married, have a degree, and am preparing to move, while the world waits in suspense for my older brother to propose to his girl from the far away land of Texas. Whew! This is why I never think about this kind of thing. It gets overwhelming if you buckle in for the whole ride. A whole year means a lot of new developments and changes, tears and happiness.

Tears. They seem to have been a constant companion to me this year. And yet one of the happiest occasions of my life occurred also this very year. On the heels of a few of the saddest. It sounds so ridiculously pitiful of me to talk about how depressing my year was. But I'm not sorry to see it go. If you asked me what my goal for 2011 was at the beginning of the year, I would have told you, "I just want to get it over with". Knowing the kinds of things I would have to face this year, that was my intention. And ten days away from the end of this year, I see I have accomplished my goal. I've made it through and I'm still alive.

Everyone has high expectations for a new year. But none higher than mine. And I know they'll all come true. You want new things in 2012? Everything will be new for me, come March of 2012 (and praying it gets here quickly!). New town, new life, new culture, new friends, new church. I'll actually be able to sleep next to my husband for more than two weeks at a time. I may see my family every few months. I'll get to travel to places I've always wanted to. I get to be part of a noble community. And most of all, I'll get out of the Tri-Cities.

Don't get me wrong, this is my home. It's staked its claim on that territory in my heart more than Kingsport, Tennessee ever did (although I still love there, too). The last nine years here have definitely made their mark on who I am as a person. I wouldn't have my amazing friends (who are more like family), found the best church ever, gotten the education I have, discovered my giftings the way I did, or met my amazing husband if I never lived here. Those are things I wouldn't trade for the world. But there also comes a time to leave your home. To stretch your wings. To experience things on your own, without the training wheels or the safety net. To know you still have the love of your family yet not feel them looking over your shoulder or breathing down your neck. To get out of the desert, for pete's sake! (On a side note, I never loved the desert and I never will. I'm an oceans, lakes, trees, and green grass kind of girl and always will be.)

There is none more ready that I to slam the door on 2011, and none more prepared to embrace the adventures that 2012 will have to offer me. 2011 taught me how to say goodbye and 2012 will show me what it means to live.

The Weepers Will Weep, But The Fighters Will Fight

I am one. I am none.
I am few, I am many, I am nothing at all.
I know everything and I know nothing.
I have never been warm--I am cold, so cold.
I may be young, but I am old, so old.

And I am tired. Of living, breathing, trying, failing, trusting, falling. I am so sick of this. Every time I attempt another step forward, I am pushed back five. I feel so weak and I hate myself for it. I'm the strong one, remember?

But no. I am no better than anybody else. I allow my emotions to whip me into a frenzy and push me to act upon things I always regret. I have proven to myself and everybody else the very thing that I was trying to disprove. I always think I'm ready and yet, I'm not. I call myself an adult, then behave like a child. And I can't face the world, I can't. Ready or not, here I come...

My thinking process is,"Maybe I'll fly if I jump off this cliff". But every time I jump, a variable change throws itself in my face and I'm sent running back to the monsters I was trying to get away from. The "perfect church girl". What do they know.

I love my God with all my heart, I do. He is the only reason this mess is still alive today and becoming less of a mess than I was. It doesn't mean I'm still not a mess in the middle of this process. Just because I'm less suicidal than I used to be doesn't mean I don't still think about it sometimes. Granted, the knives and razorblades are thrown away and where they belong, but that doesn't mean they can't come back. Change never happens overnight and God's been working on me for 5 years. But I'm not there yet. So please have patience. And a lot of mercy.

I'm learning a lot about mercy. Especially recently. Love and mercy go hand in hand. The opposite of mercy is judgment and that is not good friends with love. Mercy is undeserved and love is the force behind it. If you were to give someone everything they deserved, would you feel good about it? What about if you let go and forgave? For me personally, forgiveness can be hard sometimes. I want so badly for the person who hurt me to know how it feels...but then, what if I got everything I deserved? I am where I am because of a loving and merciful God; who am I to say that love and mercy shouldn't be given away to the very people I'm trying so hard not to forgive? Being bitter and unforgiving hurts me more than them anyway. They go on with their lives never knowing I'm being torn apart internally. Forgiveness is more of a release for myself, saying it's not my responsibility to bring judgment on them or give them what they deserve. For one thing, I'm not God, and for another thing, He'd offer them forgiveness anyway. So why not just free myself?

You know why I love kids? They don't care what you look like, where you work, what your income is, who you married, where you came from, what your talents are, or any of that. If you love them, they love you back. It's as simple as that. You don't have to worry about complex social constructs or drama with them. They love to laugh and they need someone to care. That's about it. If I could live my life surrounded by kids and never have to deal with another adult again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Being with kids is actually one thing I don't suck royally at in life. The rest...yeah, pretty much.

I can never stop trying though. This life? This is it. There's no redo's after it's over. If I give up, then I've forfeited my chance to have the life God intended for me. And when you know what He's like, why wouldn't you want His plan for you?