The Proper Method of Bludgeoning

My parents have got it right. Whatever they picked up in the "Learn-As-You-Go School of Parenting" has stuck with them. The reader should be aware though, that all practices obtained in said educational facility will only smother your children if used properly. If your children have become well-formed, bright, happy, and successful adults, then your original goal when you birthed the little demon monkeys has been fulfilled whilst you broke every rule.

Sarcasm, sarcasm. (On a side note: be impressed when you hear sarcasm from me. It only comes out in my writing. I'm not verbally quick-witted by nature, so you will almost never hear me say things like this out loud. They only happen in my head.) I can be very mean, I know, but there comes a point when enough is quite enough. Adulthood is only 26 days beyond my grasp now, yet I can't even have an adult conversation with my parents. I can't bring up ideas, notions, or suggestions that sound the least bit independent (because my parents have realized that once I do achieve that magical place of legal adulthood, they can legally kick me out for making a choice that they do not agree with). Yes, the idea is Biblical to a point. But they carry it much too far.

For example, I remind my mom I am going to get a tattoo sometime after this monumental birthday and she informs me that if I do, I will no longer be allowed to live under my parents roof. "So, you're going to kick me out if I get a tattoo?" I ask.  "That will be your choice," is the reply of Mother Dear. I repeat my question, wanting to hear her say that they will kick me out if I get a tattoo, hoping they will realize how harsh it sounds. But my mother refused to actually admit that it sounded as strange and possibly as cruel as it is. (The parentals previously stated that they hoped I would wait to get a tattoo until after I was married, assuming us children would understand that getting a tattoo will earn us an eviction. We children never really picked up on that hint.) So my understanding now is that my parents want me to live with them until I marry, but in order to do so, I must allow them to control me and treat me like a child.

I honestly don't care what their preferences are. I hate to sound this insensitive, but I want to be allowed to be myself. I'm not going to go all wild and crazy and do things just because I can (like unnamed people we have gone through this experience with). I've agreed with them and kissed their asses about their opinions since I was twelve and I'm tired of pretending I agree when I certainly do not. I'm sick of sounding just as judgmental as my parents are. There are some things that I will not ever tolerate, but there are other things that I am all for (like tattoos, if they are very meaningful to the person getting them). But my opinions, feelings, and notions have been smothered ever since I started to think a little bit differently (about five years ago) and moving out (like my sister did) sounds better every day.

I don't want to break my parents' hearts. I really don't. (That's one reason they don't know everything about me, especially things that have transpired in the past few years, and never will.) But I need to stretch my wings. I've needed to for a long time. Maybe that's the reason I still feel so scared of the world and of life and so freaking dependent on my parents. I don't want to be that way. I love them and will listen to their advice, but I need to be able to make some choices, and to make some mistakes. I learn by screwing up. You can tell me the consequences as much as you want but it really won't mean much to me until it happens to me. Sad but true.

With all my dreams, with everything I've ever wanted to do, I've got to get out and be free. I've got to try some things. You learn by getting up after you fall. Not that I want to fall, but there are some things that I've just got to know for myself. Things that I want to happen in my life too. And some things never ever happen unless you step out of yourself, out of what you're comfortable with, into a place that scares you like hell, and take a risk.