I've Earned This

Dear world,

Hey. It's me again. I have been left to my own thoughts for much too long again, thereby producing the need to analyze and even rationalize such thoughts.

I never do the whole "reflecting at the end of the year" thing. Ever. I don't believe that you have to look back in order to move forward. So why in heaven's name have I gone and done it? And why would today provoke such an elaboration instead of the last week or day of this year? I think the fact that my little brother turned seventeen today did it. And thinking about how my youngest brother and oldest sister are turning 15 and 22 respectively next month. I'm married, have a degree, and am preparing to move, while the world waits in suspense for my older brother to propose to his girl from the far away land of Texas. Whew! This is why I never think about this kind of thing. It gets overwhelming if you buckle in for the whole ride. A whole year means a lot of new developments and changes, tears and happiness.

Tears. They seem to have been a constant companion to me this year. And yet one of the happiest occasions of my life occurred also this very year. On the heels of a few of the saddest. It sounds so ridiculously pitiful of me to talk about how depressing my year was. But I'm not sorry to see it go. If you asked me what my goal for 2011 was at the beginning of the year, I would have told you, "I just want to get it over with". Knowing the kinds of things I would have to face this year, that was my intention. And ten days away from the end of this year, I see I have accomplished my goal. I've made it through and I'm still alive.

Everyone has high expectations for a new year. But none higher than mine. And I know they'll all come true. You want new things in 2012? Everything will be new for me, come March of 2012 (and praying it gets here quickly!). New town, new life, new culture, new friends, new church. I'll actually be able to sleep next to my husband for more than two weeks at a time. I may see my family every few months. I'll get to travel to places I've always wanted to. I get to be part of a noble community. And most of all, I'll get out of the Tri-Cities.

Don't get me wrong, this is my home. It's staked its claim on that territory in my heart more than Kingsport, Tennessee ever did (although I still love there, too). The last nine years here have definitely made their mark on who I am as a person. I wouldn't have my amazing friends (who are more like family), found the best church ever, gotten the education I have, discovered my giftings the way I did, or met my amazing husband if I never lived here. Those are things I wouldn't trade for the world. But there also comes a time to leave your home. To stretch your wings. To experience things on your own, without the training wheels or the safety net. To know you still have the love of your family yet not feel them looking over your shoulder or breathing down your neck. To get out of the desert, for pete's sake! (On a side note, I never loved the desert and I never will. I'm an oceans, lakes, trees, and green grass kind of girl and always will be.)

There is none more ready that I to slam the door on 2011, and none more prepared to embrace the adventures that 2012 will have to offer me. 2011 taught me how to say goodbye and 2012 will show me what it means to live.