The Weepers Will Weep, But The Fighters Will Fight

I am one. I am none.
I am few, I am many, I am nothing at all.
I know everything and I know nothing.
I have never been warm--I am cold, so cold.
I may be young, but I am old, so old.

And I am tired. Of living, breathing, trying, failing, trusting, falling. I am so sick of this. Every time I attempt another step forward, I am pushed back five. I feel so weak and I hate myself for it. I'm the strong one, remember?

But no. I am no better than anybody else. I allow my emotions to whip me into a frenzy and push me to act upon things I always regret. I have proven to myself and everybody else the very thing that I was trying to disprove. I always think I'm ready and yet, I'm not. I call myself an adult, then behave like a child. And I can't face the world, I can't. Ready or not, here I come...

My thinking process is,"Maybe I'll fly if I jump off this cliff". But every time I jump, a variable change throws itself in my face and I'm sent running back to the monsters I was trying to get away from. The "perfect church girl". What do they know.

I love my God with all my heart, I do. He is the only reason this mess is still alive today and becoming less of a mess than I was. It doesn't mean I'm still not a mess in the middle of this process. Just because I'm less suicidal than I used to be doesn't mean I don't still think about it sometimes. Granted, the knives and razorblades are thrown away and where they belong, but that doesn't mean they can't come back. Change never happens overnight and God's been working on me for 5 years. But I'm not there yet. So please have patience. And a lot of mercy.

I'm learning a lot about mercy. Especially recently. Love and mercy go hand in hand. The opposite of mercy is judgment and that is not good friends with love. Mercy is undeserved and love is the force behind it. If you were to give someone everything they deserved, would you feel good about it? What about if you let go and forgave? For me personally, forgiveness can be hard sometimes. I want so badly for the person who hurt me to know how it feels...but then, what if I got everything I deserved? I am where I am because of a loving and merciful God; who am I to say that love and mercy shouldn't be given away to the very people I'm trying so hard not to forgive? Being bitter and unforgiving hurts me more than them anyway. They go on with their lives never knowing I'm being torn apart internally. Forgiveness is more of a release for myself, saying it's not my responsibility to bring judgment on them or give them what they deserve. For one thing, I'm not God, and for another thing, He'd offer them forgiveness anyway. So why not just free myself?

You know why I love kids? They don't care what you look like, where you work, what your income is, who you married, where you came from, what your talents are, or any of that. If you love them, they love you back. It's as simple as that. You don't have to worry about complex social constructs or drama with them. They love to laugh and they need someone to care. That's about it. If I could live my life surrounded by kids and never have to deal with another adult again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Being with kids is actually one thing I don't suck royally at in life. The rest...yeah, pretty much.

I can never stop trying though. This life? This is it. There's no redo's after it's over. If I give up, then I've forfeited my chance to have the life God intended for me. And when you know what He's like, why wouldn't you want His plan for you?