The One About Sex (Rated Mature)

(Disclaimer: this post is for mature adults only. If the term 'mature adult' does not apply to you, don't continue further. Or if you're related to me, it might freak you out to read this. Proceed with caution.)

This one was bound to happen sometime. Considering I am a married individual and am about to hit the one-year mark of living with my husband (we've only been living together in the same house since last March), it was going to come up sooner or later. And most things I think about for extended periods of time on any occasion get turned into a blog. (One last thought, I also need to be a bit more gutsy and talk real stuff. This is something pretty real for sure.)

After a conversation I had with my husband last night, I thought about how uptight Christians are about sex. Still. Today. As relevant as the church tries to be, they still end up doing an awkward dance around the topic of sex.

Growing up, sex was a non-existent idea to me. I'd never really heard the word, understood what it entailed, or knew that it became a big deal as soon as you become a teenager. And forget thinking about my parents doing anything more than making out in front of us (which was bad enough). Sex was simply a non-entity.

Then I got the special 'birds-and-the-bees' conversation from my mom when I was about the age I would hit puberty. The books my parents had me read on it approached it as more of a baby-making process, rather than something to be done by married couples as an expression of passion and intimacy. More than anything else, it was just confusing. I couldn't grasp why it would be such an important subject.

When I hit the teenage years, sex suddenly became a central topic. In everything. Not only the media I partook of, but also the small group and youth church I attended. I was lumped with all the hormonally-charged kids my age who probably did think about and experiment with sex. And the biggest thing I took away from any occasion it was mentioned in a Christian setting was don't. Don't think about it, don't watch it, don't do it. If you aren't married, just don't. And by the way, your own body is off limits to yourself.

I began to sense this giant cloud of doom whenever sex was mentioned in any way. And if you have sex before you're married and someone finds out (or you out yourself by becoming pregnant)? You're going to be labeled and looked at with guilt and judgment every time you show your face. Whenever sex would be brought up in a married context, the joy and intimacy and covenant of it was overshadowed by the doom cloud. I wasn't married, so I automatically tuned out whatever was said.

This was a feeling that was hard to shake, even when I did enter into a covenant relationship with my husband. I was now allowed. As freeing as I'm sure it was meant to be, it was the exact opposite. When you're newly married, you sometimes forget. And when it comes to sex, you need a few extra seconds to remember that you're allowed to do this now.

I'm no longer shackled by those religious dictations when it comes to my sex life (which is quite healthy, thanks much). My body belongs to my husband to bring him pleasure and joy and connection, and his body belongs to me for those same reasons, simple as that.

What puzzles me is that the church is still so unsure about it. At one end of the spectrum, you have those blogs and websites written by Christians that are no-holds-barred and can be explicit, but it's easy to see how free they are and can be helpful at times. At the other end, you have those tight-lippers--even married people--who don't talk about it in any case, except to tell their teenagers not to do it. Right smack dab in the middle are the ones who try so hard to be relevant but can't get much more out about it than *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* references.

I'm not sure exactly where in those categories I fall. I do know that I want to approach the awe and beauty of covenant intimacy with my kids instead of wagging my finger at them and making them feel condemned and lectured for something they haven't done yet (also known as positive reinforcement). Or only explaining it as a means of making babies.

Sex is something wonderful and amazing that cannot be duplicated to the same level outside of marriage. It's fun and crazy and a way to connect to your spouse on another level. I just wish most Christians weren't so afraid of it.

I'm part of a small group on Facebook that talks regularly about sex (some Christians and some not), exchanging tips and suggestions. It's informative and just fun. No uptightness or stress or judgment, everyone sharing whatever they're comfortable with.

And as a last thought, if in reading this post you feel offended because you taught me some of the doctrine or knowledge about sex I've mentioned and you feel I've directed this towards you personally, don't worry. This is all out of my perception and feeling about the whole thing. As a teacher, parent, or mentor, I know that you were doing your very best and I might have just received something different. You at least taught me to discover on my own and that, I have.