The Complexity of Love, Part I

Writing out of a somewhat confused state inspired by several things I've read today, so please bear with me as I throw out random rants and try to make some concrete sense of them.

Divorce. That confuses me a lot. I believe the statistic reporting that around 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, because I'm seeing it with my own two eyes. Through the past few years, I've personally seen it happen between couples I had weekly interaction with and in the past few months, I'm watching it happen on social networking sites with people I've met who live hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.

Most of the people I know who have gotten divorced, I'm not super close with so I don't pretend to know their reasons for ending their marriage. What confuses me is this: couples who have been dating for two+ years and gotten married, then divorced a year or so later or couples who have been married for ten+ years, then decide it isn't working anymore.

I have seen love professed and love shown over and over between all of these couples, lives shared, children born. I understand that having a child is not proof of love, but these were children born to a mother and father who loved each other more than anything. I see obstacles overcome, I see their beautiful wedding pictures.

Here are the most common reasons I've seen for divorce and I will address each one: "We were doing the right thing for the kid, but we were never meant to be married", "we thought we were in love, but we weren't", a giant falling out, or infidelity.

-I applaud trying to stay together for the child and trying to give them a sense of family. At least they tried. But if you hadn't made the baby before the wedding, you wouldn't have had to make that choice. Some people manage to make this situation work, and I say good for them. But it looks like a pretty quick excuse for divorce.

-Speaking of quick excuses, you "thought" you were in love? Being married myself, I understand the way that you express and define love changes after you are married. It can come as a shock to those still way back in the puppy love stage or caught up in a whirlwind romance. But marriage is one of the biggest, most important, most life-changing choices you will ever make. For starters, it has to be based on way much more than love, or it will fail. The love you had when you were dating will not be the same after you have been married for even a few months. Some people just can't take that change and call the whole thing off before they've even given their marriage a chance to breathe. And to those who have been married years and years, then tell themselves they aren't really in love: what?

-The falling out is the situation I understand the least. You're going to let a fight destroy your marriage? You're going to throw in the towel for something you fought to make happen? You've pushed through the little things to let a bigger thing get the better of you, instead of trying to handle it?

-Divorce caused by infidelity, I get. That's even the only allowance for divorce in the Bible. My hat is off to those who have tried to make the marriage work, even after adultery has occurred. That has got to be rough. But some call it quits after the tiniest indiscretion, not even actual sex. They certainly have the right file those papers, but in my heart of hearts, I really wish couples would try harder to stay together. It seems people are almost looking for reasons to get divorced these days.

Those were the heated and possibly naive rantings of an outsider. I'm not judging anyone who has gotten divorced, but I'm trying to wrap my head around the why of it all. I haven't gone through it either, so maybe my ranting is totally biased and unfounded. Maybe.

I do have to say for myself that from the day I knew I would marry my husband, I told him that divorce would not be an option. We will never discuss it. I knew what I was getting into, and he did as well. We both had plenty of time to change our minds before the wedding if we "didn't really love each other". And  now that the papers are signed and the rings are on our fingers, we are determined to never let anything separate us. I can't say nothing will ever happen, but we are going to fight for our marriage with everything we've got.

I will now speak from having somewhat of an insider's view. My husband's parents were divorced (more than once) and knowing the whole situation, I understand why they made that choice and can actually say that I think it was the right one. I'm not going to air anything personal about it because it isn't anyone else's business but our family's. But I do see that there are situations where divorce is a better option than staying married (especially in cases of abuse or criminal activity). So I am not totally one-sided when it comes to divorce. It's still a concept that boggles my mind sometimes, but I understand that it happens and I do not whatsoever judge those who do get divorced.